I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!)

I challenge you, Stephen Colbert! You are not a true American!

America, we’ve been duped. Stephen Colbert is not who he claims to be (he may actually be an automaton from the future who’s trying to dupe us). He’d have you believe that he’s some right-wing fanatic when, in reality, he’s only a right-beak or maybe a foot. And I can prove it!

From chapter one of his book, I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!), his family values seem admirable but fail to go the distance (got your boxing gloves on, Colbert?) He only hints at the disease that is homosexuality (i.e., Hollywood gaydom). I mean, these individuals (do not call them people!) are doctors, lawyers, judges, and porno store owners. We need to step back a few decades and purge these people (gah!) from our communities. Does Colbert say this? No! Shame on you, Steven (I’ve removed the "ph" from your name and put in the standard "v" for "victory" which is much more American and saves text space. Should you decide to reprint your book, Ste"v"en, you can send me a check for the amount of page space I saved the printer).

The left-wing liberal media is destroying our country but Colbert, again, doesn’t step up and hit a home run (baseball references are very American, too). Nowhere does he mention the need to shut down these outlets, only to try and help them change venues. I say no! We need to get rid of these newspapers, magazines, and other forms of knowledge. Does he ever say that ignorance is bliss? Again, no! If God had wanted us to have knowledge, he wouldn’t have gotten so miffed at Adam and Even when they ate from the darned tree! (Note to self. "Miffed at Adam and Eve" to be new chapter included in next bible reprinting. Start writing now!)

Religion. Oh boy, Steven. You really missed the boat on this one. Our forefathers (there were only four?) who, ironically, came over on a boat, helped spearhead the way for Christianity in the U.S. by helping the Native Americans turn to Jesus. We also helped them build up their immunity by giving them small-pox blankets and showing them close-ups of lead-filled musket balls. Spreading the word of Jesus went hand-in-hand with the spread of disease (and lead). White man’s disease, that is (syphilis comes later, too, but is icky to talk about). Colbert fails to mention this. Poor sap.

And I have to mention Steven’s last name and his lame (and misguided) attempts to get Chevron to sponsor portions of his book. Steven, your last name is Colbert. Has a certain "energy" ring to it, doesn’t it? And it isn’t "gasoline." Colbert. Coal-bert. Get it! You should be showing Americans the dangers of alternative fuels by supporting the coal industry, Coalbert. Wind and solar power? You can’t even see them! How can you trust something that hides from you and produces no greenhouse gasses? I mean, come on!

Also my attorneys will be contacting you, Steven Coalbert, because there wasn’t sufficient warning regarding putting this book down slowly and, like you, I injured my wrist in doing so. You can avoid any nasty and lengthy court trials, if you’d like, by sending me a check for $1 billion to: The Right-Wing-Man@Americarules.com.